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08 August 2010 @ 03:41 am

Wow. Six months. Certainly has been awhile, huh LJ? Considering my last entry, I didn't exactly start my hiatus on the best note. So much has happened since then, so I think I'm gonna have to use bullets lest I go on forever.  pew pew!

Soooooo, since the last time I've updated (not in exact order), I have:

- proven, beyond a doubt, that I'm an amazing person that is capable of godly amounts of patience and maturity. Ask around. If they know what happened, they wouldn't hesitate to agree.

- started playing WoW. As of now I have an uber-geared 80 rogue and am leveling my second character, a hunter. I know, I know. Like I needed another distraction to keep me from doing artses...

- traveled on a plane, for the first time in about a decade, to Houston for a week in April to visit my buddy astralabortion . While there, I had fine food, even better company, experienced an awesome art festival, swam in the Gulf before it got gross, and went skydiving. TWICE. 8D

- visited my brother in NYC with the rest of my family at the end of May. This was the first family vacation we've ever done, and it was amazing. To experience New York City more like a local instead of a tourist was amazing, despite doing the obvious tourist-y things like seeing the major sites (Empire State Building, Statue o' Liberty, The Met, and National History Museum to name a few). And, of course, it was great to see my brother again.

- started school again. Started summer semester at one of the local tech schools, aiming for a double AA in Applied Visual Arts and Graphic Design. Thanks to UPS, I get $3000 a year for school, and i finally decided to put it to use.

- lost 25 pounds, due to a combination of P90X, yoga, loss of appetite, and good ol' fashioned stress. It's  weird not having anything fit me anymore, and in a good way. I pretty much need a whole new wardrobe. Yay Good Will!

- reconnected with a bunch of old friends, whom I didn't realize how much I missed. I've a long way to go before totally getting out of my hermitude, but it's a start.

- got back together with Ben. He realized he made a horrible mistake quite soon afterward, and proceeded to emotionally beat himself up/ be abused for a few months after that. I knew he would regret it, and so did he, but he just had to learn the hard way. I still love him, and knew I'd always wonder (and probably regret) if I didn't give him a second chance. Though, honestly, it'll take a long time to trust him like I used to.

Overall, I've gone through so much, and have really grown and discovered a lot about myself. I've learned, and feel more secure about my worth then I ever have before. More zen. It's a phenomenal, wholesome feeling that I'll due my darnedest to hold onto.

Mood: pensivereflective
Music: Metric - "Help I'm Alive"
12 February 2010 @ 01:33 pm
First of all, thanks so much to you all for your kind words and condolences. It means the world to me, especially now.

For the past couple days i've heard a lot of advice, but the one most prominent is that I need to go be with friends. It may seem kinda sad, but I don't really have that many friends anymore. They either moved away or we lost touch over the years. In my life i never really got close to many people. In school I had lots of aquaintences, but very few who I felt I could actually call a friend. Until I met Ben, I was alone most of the time. Which is probably a minor reason why we broke up; in the way of companionship, he was all I had. And that's too much pressure to put on someone. I didn't realize it then, because he didn't seem to mind, but I certainly know now.

It's not very easy for me to just go and meet people. I don't get out enough for one thing. So, as I stated in my last entry, I'm trying to rebuild those old freindship bridges. It's not easy, since I feel bad about only doing it now. Why couldn't I have done it years ago? I have no idea.

I like being around people, but in school no one really talked to me, so I think it's put it in my head that no one wanted me around. And so I wasn't around, and haven't been for a long time. I'll try and salvage what I can, but I'm trying not to get my hopes up to high...
11 February 2010 @ 01:57 pm
Yesterday my two year relationship with Ben ended.

It's a rather long story involving major lack of communication, with a little cheating and dramatic driving for color. But the condensed version is basically that he wasn't ready for such a steady relationship yet. He wants to go out and be a stupid guy for a few years. To play the game. And since he's gonna be deployed for a year in like 6 months, I suppose it was inevitable that he'd want to sever those ties to go away and find himself and be free.
I understand completely. I was the only girl he'd been with intimately, and everyone should experience some variety before settling down. To "sew some wild oats" or however that saying goes. I just wish he would've told me these thoughts right when he had them, as opposed to waiting until we got an apartment together and he was tempted to darker, crazier fruits ( the girl he's now messing with, a high school friend that there was mutual lust for for around 4 years. She's certifiable...ok more batshit crazy, but whatever.), which caused both of us a lot of unnecessary anguish. The past week has been downright hell for me, with the lack of sleep and food and the whole emotional shitstorm. I basically made myself sick. I've lost 7 pounds in a week, not something I totally mind since I could stand to lose a few, but it's still not healthy.

Naturally I'm sad and distressed. He was my first relationship that actually made it for any length of time. And I've been heavily assured that the first heartbreak is the worst, though that doesn't make it hurt any less. But we're still best friends. We still care about each other. There were no problems between us. It was just too much, too soon. He's gonna live with me until his friend up in Superior gets a house so he can move into it, which I understand since that's where his family and a lot of his friends are ( I've been the only thing keeping him in the cities for the most part). That could be anywhere from a month to a few months depending the luck of the market. And even after he moves he's still gonna pay his half of the rent and bills for this place. Said he's not gonna leave me high and dry and that it was his fault he didn't say anything before we signed the lease. Sometimes it's probably gonna get a bit awkward, but we're already playing videogames and hanging just like nothing really happened. I think it's a great sign.

I'm gonna take this as an opportunity to find myself a bit too. To go back to school and try and find my niche in this silly world. Art is still something I'm hoping for, or maybe writing, but then where would my hobbies go? I've been considering some kind of design field, particularly landscape design, since I love getting my hands dirty. :3 I'm also gonna try to not be a total hermit anymore. Rebuild some old bridges and get back with some old friends.

We've been joking that we're on hiatus. If things fall into place for us individually and after awhile if we're still free, we'll give it another shot. He said he can see himself with me the rest of his life, and I feel the same. I'm not gonna save myself just for him; I'm gonna try other relationships, but finding someone with our kind of connection is a rare thing. So who know? If it's meant to be, it will be.

It's sad, but at least I got to keep my best friend. <3
Mood: blankblank
Music: Split Endz - "Six Months in a Leaky Boat"
16 January 2010 @ 11:05 pm
Oh how time flies.

At the time of my last entry, I was right about to go to MFF, and I did. I found a place to sleep last minute the first night, then likeshine and painteddog saved my ass by letting me sleep in their room. Much love to them for letting me hang out behind their table. It was awesome seeing some people again, like chaoseven and staindfan244, and I got to meet/hang out with some of my idols, like missmonstermel and ursulav. Came home with some great swag from the auction and ate some of the best Indian food EVER. If I go next year, I'm going to sell, even if I just do sketchbooks or something. Artistic productivity, damnit.

 December flew by in a haze of 10-12 hour workdays, with extra disorientation induced by the flu and Xmas bugs. The driver helper shift was tough. Woke up early and spent all day cold and/or damp, then came home for a couple hours for necessary food/nap, then worked again until between 3-4am. I was lucky to get 6 hours of sleep a night. My Xmas shopping was all completely last minute, since I just. Had. No. Time. The week of Xmas the flu made me its bitch and the holidays became...a bit of a blur. I napped a lot when the family gathered at my parent's house and couldn't really taste the delicious lasagna that was made.  I actually still have to send out some belated gifts to some peeps. Becasue I'm a horrible person.

I'm settled in the new apartment. You would hope I'd be settled after a month and a half, and I am.  It's so cozy, and more importantly, I actually feel at home here. Still need a couch though. We've got a few chairs, but the closest thing we have to a couch is an inflatable loveseat I stole from my sister, which isn't horrible once it's been decked out in sheepskins and pillows, but furniture that doesn't perish from puncture wounds is a good thing. A trip to IKEA is in order. I also feel partially spoiled, since never in my life until now have I ever had a garage to park my car in. And since we got Old Man Winter beating us with his icicle-walker, I've never been so grateful for it. 

On the artistic front, I'm getting back into it now that I'm not working my half-frozen ass off. For Xmas I got an awesome 22' monitor (amongst other awesome stuff*), and it really makes arting easier for the obvious colors-change-depending-screen-angle-thing, and the big-screen-MOAR-details-thing. I'm loving it, but I'm in desperate need of a new studio chair, since my ass can only take that kind of punishment for an hour at a time. Hopefully IKEA can save me in this regard as well.

In closing, Avatar f**king rocks. I've seen it three times. THEND.

*Some highlights being a bitchin' 100-year-old steamer trunk and a new, big-girl phone from my Benzorz. :D

Mood: thoughtfulreflective
Music: Ulrich Schnauss - "Blumenthal"
16 November 2009 @ 11:15 pm

So yeah, stuff has been happenin' in my neck of the woods.

Moving into my new apartment with Ben next week, the day before Thanksgiving to be more accurate. I'm really excited, it's a really nice place with mostly new appliances, our own garage, and a really nice small community. While the rent will be going up compared to what we've been paying here, I think it'll be worth it. I should probably start packing, though knowing me, I'll just shove crap into boxes the day before. X3

Last week I started an extra shift at work as a driver helper for the peak season. I've been starting at 10:30am and go for between 3-5 hours, depending on how many deliveries. My job is to basically run the box to the door and run back. While it sounds ridiculously easy, it's rather hard on the legs climbing in and out of that huge truck with surprisingly few breaks in between. The workout I can get used to, and will probably be thankful for it in the end, but my sleep schedule is all fucked up now. As soon as I get back from my night shift at around 2:30-3am I have to collapse right away before getting up at 9am for the morning shift. Naps are necessary, and don't leave me a lot of free time. Looking forward to those bigger paychecks though.

In brighter news, I have this whole week off for vacation. It was really nice to go back to sleep this morning after my alarm woke me up at 9am. Took this week off mostly for MFF preparation, though due to some complications with my roommate-to-be, I'm now left without a place to sleep. So unless some kind soul offers me some bed/ floor space, I don't think I'll be able to go. Which makes me sad since I was really looking forward to going this year, reacquaint with some old friends and meet new ones. Ah well, I suppose there's always next year.

Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Music: Emancipator - "Periscope Up"
20 October 2009 @ 07:10 pm
Had a rather bizarre dream last night. Made doubly so since I rarely remember my dreams, much less specifics. At one point I was at work, and one of my old supervisors handed me this tiny, skeleton-esque key with a tinier tag on it. No one could read it, but when I squinted at it, I could see the number, 14237. So I spent the rest of the dream searching through the hub and then through random stores looking for the number to find the box the key went in. Sadly, I didn't find it before waking up.
Mood: pensivepensive
Music: 12 Stones - "Lie to Me"
13 October 2009 @ 08:41 pm
Amidst the distractions and not-quite-monotony of my present state of being, an epic event occurred today. I BOUGHT A NEW CAR!!! 8D

Well, newER car. It's a 2002 Dodge Neon that I bought off of Craigslist. I chose this car mainly due to it's year/miles ratio. It's only got 60,000 on it, and for a Craigslist car, that's a gold mine of a find. Speaking of gold, my new baby is bright yellow and has plates that say "HUSH IT". It's all sorts of badass. And OMG how I love keyless entry. <3
The best part is that I got it for $4000, which is 700 less then they wanted for it, and 500 less then what Blue Book said it was worth. All the credit for these massive savings goes to my dad, who knows cars and is way less socially retarded then me. :p

My old car, the '93 Taurus with 271,000 miles and slowly accumulating problems, will go to Benzorz until it finally kicks the bucket. I'm not gonna lie, it's nice not having to worry if I'll have to go pick him up from work or whether he'll make it back in time for me to go to work.

Don't worry, there will be pix. 8}
Mood: bouncysquee!
Music: Lamb - "Scratch Bass"
11 September 2009 @ 06:47 pm

It really is. :3

Benzorz came back from his five months of Army training Tuesday evening and I couldn't be happier. Words can't describe just how amazing it is to have someone to kiss and cuddle again. To have someone to come home to after work and to crack my back for me. To hold me as I drift off to sleep. To do...things that would be considered TMI on internet blogs. X3 At this point we're still joined at the hip, but in about a week it'll probably seem like he never left.

The military experience didn't change him much, aside from making him even more tidy --I didn't think that was even possible-- and give him some extra bulk in his shoulders and legs. Oh, and the sudden urge to cook for me, which I find extremely adorable. So we were supposed to go up to Superior to see his family and go kayaking, but turns out he's got drill this weekend, so we'll have to save that adventure for the near future, along with gallivanting around Renfest and other such shenanigans. On Sunday we're going out dancing with the roomies at the 90s and I'm stoked, since I can barely remember the last time I got drunk danced in a club setting. Hell, there might even be shameless flirting with ladies (and hoping Benzorz gets hit-on by some guys so I can rofl). ;3 

Mood: enthralledeuphoric
Music: Imogen Heap - "Between Sheets"
26 August 2009 @ 07:46 pm

Cool chairs + farmer's market + tortellini + root beer float + internets = a great day :D

Sadly, it seems the people we've been leeching our WiFi from got a visit from Comcast and now we can't get online anymore. It's still unsecured and we connect to it, but no matter which site we try to go too, it's redirected to a Comcast account activation page. It's lame, though we figured it would happen sooner or later. Probably gonna have to just cave and buy interwebs, but not until Benzorz gets back ( in less then two weeks YAY!) and until then, I guess I'll just have to either go to the folk's place or my sister's every couple days to check things. So if I'm not around much, well, you know why. Gonna take it as a good opportunity to maybe get other, more artistic things done.

In other news, went to Renfest last Saturday with neraye  and Kevin. Had a great time and got to wear some new garb, which is always fun. Probably gonna go again this weekend and get my hookah on. Sunday for sure, but I might go Saturday with some coworkers. Yay for season passes!

Mood: calmchillin'
13 August 2009 @ 02:10 pm

Holy crap I'm 25 today! Wherever does the time go?

Not doing much today. Probably gonna be reading a lot since I've got books due back to the library quite shortly. Recently finished up Dragon in Chains by Daniel Fox, which I found most enjoyable with its complex weaving of intriguing characters and trippy storyline garnished with bits of gore. I suggest reading it if you get a chance. I hope there's a sequel.

My birthday present to myself was a brand spankin' new laptop, which I ended up buying a week earlier then planned since my old laptop was gangraped by viruses. Last Tuesday one secretly snuck in somehow and disabled my McAfee, making it unable to scan, then when I went online, it was like sharks on a wounded seal. I picked up the first, and worst one on FACEBOOK of all places. It's called the Koobface virus. Spent about 12 hours deleting files and registry keys, but it was relentless and always respawned itself. The necessary information to delete it all wasn't available (Google FAIL), and then my dad tried to help, which I already knew would just make things worse and wasn't disappointed. I finally gave up when the desktop wouldn't load, both in normal and Safe mode. I'm hanging onto it since the boy wants to mess with it when he gets back from AIT in a few weeks, but meh. I had 99% of my crap backed up on my external hard drive, so I wasn't in hysterics. Anyway, the laptop was like 6 years old; it had a good run.

So yeah, new laptop. It's awesome. And FAST. Holy crap this beast (aptly named FUDAWG) is fucking fast. I can do all sorts of stuff I couldn't before, like play games and Ustream art. Plus it came with a free upgrade to Windows 7 when it's released in October, which I can't wait for since Vista is a pile of fail. And did I mention how pretty it is! It's back with white lined designs and has already been adored with a missmonstermel  decal sticker. So badass. *melts*

Not planning on doing much today. Everyone is working or busy so were saving celebrating until Saturday, which is fine by me. There will be steak and cake and joyness. Perhaps even a cinematic adventure.

Hmm, maybe I'll be able to get tonight off work if I play my cards right. ;3

Music: Kaki King - "Kewpie Station"